


the writing and the pondering

by jasthelion



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Hospice, M/M, Sunggyu-centric - Freeform, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-02 20:02:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15803610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasthelion/pseuds/jasthelion
Summary: might've been a little inspired by that netflix movie





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> might've been a little inspired by that netflix movie

letter excerpts

to dongwoo

– i don’t think you fully understand the influence you’ve had on my life. when we were hiding away and we sat there, hiding away from the rest of the kids. you made it worthwhile. because i kept thinking that if you laughed and if you smiled, then eventually, i’ll step above from the ones trying to hurt me and i’ll too smile like you, and laugh like you.

 

to woohyun

– i didn’t think we would connect as well as we did in university. but you didn’t like the book, in fact, you hated it for the same reasons i hated it and that first time we meant meant too much for me to comprehend at the time. it was fun – you’re fun, woohyun. hopefully, one day i can open my heart to you as delicately as they do in the books you enjoy. by the way, i read that french/chinese book you recommended and the ending really surprised me.

 

to sungjong

– i remember thinking that at first, you felt a little too young for me but when you’re… gay, i suppose, age plays less of a role because there’s less of us? i don’t know how i feel about it now. you’re mature, you’re smart, you’re funny and it’s almost as if for each day i just fall for you more… and more. maybe eventually, i’ll get myself together and not have an internal fit when i see you in the staff room. besides, you don’t seem to notice and i suppose that’s for the better. you’re dating someone, right? it breaks my heart just a little.

 

to howon

– actually, you’re the first man i’ve ever been intimate with. i took the lead but internally, i was worried how i was doing – i was finally feeling well, energised for a day in a long time but alas…ah, maybe just performance anxiety? but you didn’t notice. except now, i sit and i think that i shouldn’t get my hopes up because you don’t answer my two texts and sending another one is too much. that’s what i’ve experienced at least, before. maybe you’ll come around soon enough or maybe you won’t. i’ve learnt to not set my expectations too high.

 

to myungsoo

– you’re the last one i’ve fallen for. how can i know? because i met you just last year. maybe it’s your job to be nice to me, but you’re my nurse. when i sat in my room and stared out the window, you would sit with me and those five minutes you could spare made me look forward to the next day even when i would feel my heart only weaken.. and weaken. it’s really silly to fall for one’s nurse, but i suppose, when you’re dying, your heart finds its distractions. that was last year – now i see you, and i pity myself


	2. beyond the gaze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ’you should’ve told me you’re going to die, sunggyu…’

’here’s your medicine, sunggyu’

 

sunggyu looks up from the message he was typing to his mother and he looks at myungsoo standing there. in his hand, the identical container as from yesterday and on his face, the same smile he always has – it’s nice, it’s distant. a few months ago, sunggyu fantasised myungsoo smiles differently around him but he was shortly after proven wrong.

 

’thank you,” he only says as he accepts them into his hand and reaches for the bottle of glass he had prepared himself. it’s the haldol – for his nausea. sunggyu thinks briefly about myungsoo and he watches him putter around his room to do the quickest tidy-up he’s ever seen, once again.

 

’just press the alarm if you need anything, sunggyu!’

 

and he’s out.

 

sunggyu nods before he flicks his gaze away and he runs his fingers through his hair, of what’s left (and if left, only barely). it’s just so short.   

 

’sunggyu, sunggyu, sunggyu… just press the.. alarm..’ he ends up mumbling to himself, looking at the letter he hadn’t finished typing and he sighs. putting his phone away instead, sunggyu picks up his journal to write. some counselor, a long time ago, encouraged him to write his thoughts out – it’s all he picked up from that behavioural program.

 

inside, he’s written his letters and he’s written about the times he wished that someone would love him as intensely and as delicately as he’s loved. maybe he doesn’t know of anyone who has, but he’s 32 years old and his mother would huff and scoff about how he’s never met anyone yet. what remained to be said was that he wasn’t into women.

 

he’ll talk to his mother, he could also avoid it. when he dies, she will find his letters to men, the ones from high school to dongwoo, the two from university to woohyun and the rest that litters around his hidden box. she will at most sigh, look at his father and then they both shake their heads.

 

or she’ll cry, she’ll cry so much that his father will be dumbfounded. their son came out as gay a week after he died. maybe that’s why he always looked so burdened when they mentioned marriage.

 

or maybe, the look at what’s left of him with so much disgust that maybe after all – he wasn’t a loss. but he believes his parents are better than that.

 

looking out the window, sunggyu’s pausing his writing – an apology letter to his mom and dad, for hiding such a big fact about him from them. thinking about how burdened he feels of his secret, he had to stop writing.  

 

he puts his journal away.

 

sunggyu thinks of how, a couple of weeks ago, dongwoo visited him and he feels bad. all these feelings he had just resurfaced, except dongwoo wasn’t smiling in front of him. he hadn’t even realised it was dongwoo who entered, all he heard was the familiar sound of his name and what he managed to say was:

 

’i think i’m closing in.’

 

– he had thought it was myungsoo, who always comes in around 2pm for his second batch of medicines. at that point, he had reached the stage where they just gave him medicines to make his pain easier instead of making his health better.

 

dongwoo sat next to him and sunggyu almost didn’t recognise him – except, there’s no one else who looks so much like dongwoo like dongwoo. sunggyu straightened up in his chair and he looked away back out the window. dongwoo looked concerned and sunggyu felt guilty.

 

’you should’ve told me you’re going to die, sunggyu…’

 

sunggyu had suddenly felt the guilt and he didn’t even know what to tell dongwoo. so he didn’t say anything because suddenly, he also felt like there were so many more people he could’ve told – instead, he had kept it to the family and relatives.

 

he felt as if he was a child that had done something bad and all romance he once ever held for dongwoo was gone. in front of dongwoo, he as a weak child with a bad posture who didn’t tell him he had done something bad. a misbehaved child that couldn’t meet anyone in the eye.

 

sunggyu didn’t want to die, and in front dongwoo – all anxiety he had over the news he first received were back. back then, he only thought of howon – how should he tell howon? does he even tell howon? he was so wrapped up in howon, he had forgotten all about dongwoo. dongwoo who went abroad to study for a baseball scholarship, dongwoo who succeeded in life and dongwoo who messaged him every third year to maybe check on him.

 

howon never found out, woohyun never did either – he doesn’t know how it reached dongwoo. suddenly, he remembers his cousin went to the same class as them and sunggyu wondered if she had told him. sungjong had given him flowers the first week he was checked into the care unit, rubbed his back for a moment and that’s about it.

 

sunggyu understands people get awkward around people who are dying. you’re there, but the realisation that soon enough and most definitely, you will be dead makes them unsure on how to act.

 

in front of dongwoo, he broke down. all the tears he cried the first week were reloaded and he cried, it felt like it was all he did. dongwoo was too dumbfounded on what to do – maybe he felt guilty for reminding sunggyu of that he was about to pass. that his clock was ticking to its end.

 

dongwoo apologised. eventually sunggyu had collected all the nerves that fell out of his pockets and he stopped crying except from the pitiful sniffles, he calmed down and he managed to meet dongwoo’s eyes. he managed to take a deep breath and an almost smile weakly tugged on his lips.

 

’it’s okay, you haven’t done anything.’

 

now, thinking about dongwoo – thinking about love, sunggyu feels burdened. he wants to apologise to his mother for not being brave. that despite what everyone thought of him, of how well he did at work – he wasn’t honest enough. he was an adult man scared of his mother’s opinion because all he wanted was to make her happy.

 

in his life, at the last spurt of normalcy – sunggyu was alone. he was alone in his apartment, wondering why his body was always hurting and why he fainted at work the day before. he was just thirty – he’s not that old, as much as he joked about it. now he doesn’t own an apartment anymore, his sister holds the right to his finances but his sister can’t bear to see him. he misses seeing her in person.

 

at the last spurt of normalcy, sunggyu thought of howon. howon who at night, made him smile and who at night would make him feel bliss. but he was alone in his mother’s eyes and that's when the realisation that howon was ashamed of him struck, only to stick onto his isolation. while sunggyu was seeking out love from someone like him, howon was seeking out a fantasy.

 

that evening, when his mother comes by – his mind is on woohyun. woohyun, who he felt like he would do anything for, who he put in effort towards and he felt like woohyun gave back nothing. he read the books woohyun recommended, the poems, the lyric – he read it all and when he suggested a book himself, woohyun said ’maybe! if i have time’.  

 

his mom stares at him and she asks what’s the matter. sunggyu can’t help the laugh. what’s not the matter? he’s dying – with each day his health is declining more and more. he can only eat pureed food because his throat closes up at anything else, he’s lost weight because he has no appetite anymore. the smile falls off his face and he pities himself even more.

 

his mom watches his tears build up and she’s quiet.

 

she’s so quiet when he wipes his tears away.

 

’mom, i’m tired.’

 

’i know, gyu-yah.’

 

’i’ve always been tired, mom.'

 

’what do you mean?’

  



	3. right under his nose

’sunggyu-yah, i brought you some books.’ his sister enters cheerily. 

 

he looks up from the year-old magazine and he smiles seeing her. he’s not sure why she is here, it’s the first time she is here to see him – when she found out, she disappeared. then she emailed him and then she called. 

 

it’s been a work in progress and sunggyu’s accepted his sister’s way of coping – she never described herself as a strong person anyways. 

 

but he missed her – he really did. he found himself feeling lonely – his family in particular hasn’t been very close to each other. it’s always been a distant admiration, that he has felt and the urge to never decline them because it is… family. 

 

’did mom make you come here?’

 

she’s quiet, suddenly. maybe that’s why she brought the books. so she can talk about them, avoid his health and his well-being. she is after all, the only one in the family that reads. 

 

one of the books in her hands slide out of her hold and sunggyu stares at it landing on the floor. eventually, seconds later he lifts his gaze to look at her again. he wants to apologise for how sad she suddenly looks but he too, feels like he deserves an apology. 

 

he’s the one preparing his death bed and she’s the one keeping her distance – his own sister. he understands she’s scared, but the acceptance he has also falters. he too, gets scared of his own death. 

 

’i don’t want to see you sick,’ she eventually says and sunggyu presses his lips together and he scoffs. 

 

he doesn’t want to set a bad mood but what else can he do – he’s hurt. his own sister is scared of seeing him because he looks… sick. sunggyu heaves a sigh before he shrugs. 

 

at the moment, the past few days – he has been desperate for company. dongwoo’s texted, he then didn’t reply after. he wants someone who can bear to sit with him all day, to talk to him. he understands, it must be difficult for his family – but he’s lonely. 

 

’don’t i deserve company?’ sunggyu asks and he hopes she’ll feel bad. not because he dislikes, but he wants her to understand his situation – the one where he’s close to death.

 

’am i burdensome to you? imagine what i am to myself because in two months you can go back to your life where you won’t have to come see me but now, i want company.’ he says, the sentences pulling his breath away and he has to take a deep one before he can relax. 

 

'i'm sorry.'

 

is it sincere? sunggyu's not sure – his concerns are replaced with a headache.

 

'you're here now.'


	4. coldness

’have you ever been in love, sunggyu?’ 

 

sunggyu’s caught off guard by the question – he looks at his mother from where he’s burrowed down in his blankets. a question he never wanted to answer – but it’s there, it hangs over his head. 

 

after living for 32 years sunggyu realises that, – actually, he knows that he hasn’t. it’s not something he has to realise, it is something he has known all this time. he has never had the chance of getting to fall in love. he has been romantically interested… there was dongwoo, woohyun… sungjong. howon’s complicated, but he supposes that howon was the one he was most likely to fall for. stupidly, almost.

 

howon was… a breath of fresh air. someone bold enough to take the step he didn’t dare to, to guide him into something he has never tried before but yearned for. 

 

sunggyu knows he has an exterior that doesn’t fit the emotions that hurricane through him. it’s a bit embarrassing – with distantly loving parents, sunggyu never found himself familiar with affection. 

 

it’s been at least a couple of moments before he answers his mother’s question – but he can’t bring himself to even utter a word. he just shakes his head. it’s a bit embarrassing, almost. all these guys he has wanted to do something with, and the one he ended up doing something only used him for his own pleasure. 

 

his mother looks at him with a new sort of sadness in her eyes and sunggyu feels as if guilt washes over him. had he been braver, maybe there had been a chance – but with the people he was interested in, there was no space for him. he remembers dongwoo’s mind being so intensely wrapped around his athletics, sunggyu barely fit in as a friend. woohyun, with a mind so strongly centered around himself, had no space for him. sungjong, sungjong who had someone already. 

 

sunggyu isn’t someone to intervene – with sungjong, he didn’t even try. with sungjong, he just wanted to be friends. 

 

he felt the most effort he put in, was with howon. with his two meager texts, trying to laugh of the night before and ask if he’s interested in more. sunggyu remembers the lack of answer. he remembers howon sending one eventually, a ’no’ coupled with a cheeky laugh emoticon. 

 

with myungsoo – there was no effort to fit in. myungsoo knows sunggyu as a patient, a patient waiting for its end. there’s no space for sunggyu. 

 

and soon, there is to be none of sunggyu. 

 

’i missed out,’ he says and he ends up with a weak chuckle. it’s all he can tell her. 

 

as he exhales, his voice shakes and he clears his throat. the flash of concern in his mother’s expression doesn’t bother him. 

 

he doesn’t want to tell her how he read books in his room and wished he too, could feel the waves of love the main characters felt. now, he feels so pathetic for thinking about it that way. the world works in its own way and now, it’s left him lying weakly on a hospital bed. 

 

when she leaves an hour after, sunggyu ponders over love and he tries to tell himself that it’s not pathetic for having yearned. all his late teens and adulthood he has yearned – because love is fantastic, love is specific and love isn’t universal. sunggyu has found himself outside of the sphere of the world that gets to indulge in romance. 

 

he picked up his journal and his pen. so he wrote: 

 

’part of my concerns when i grew up was that i would never get a chance to love as deeply as i know i can – i would never get to experience the love i so vividly fantasised about. as a gay man, my options were limited as well. the fact that i won’t have a chance to feel mutual romantic love, is distressing. the one thing i never want to miss out on, is what i am missing out on. 

 

as my health gets weaker, i try to tell myself to forget about it. 

 

but at the end of the day, i’ve lost my chance and it’s too late to regain it.’

 

the morning after, myungsoo knocks on his door before entering. in his hand, there’s his medicine and on his face there is a smile. sunggyu doesn’t have the energy to smile back. 

 

he keeps thinking of his mother’s words. 

 

he keeps thinking of the chance he lost.

 

he keeps thinking of how cold it is. 

 

maybe he should ask myungsoo for another blanket. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had fun writing this!

**Author's Note:**

> comments are highly appreciated


End file.
